006. OVERTHINKER? OR JUST A VIRGO?

reflections on taking time off, expectations of work and the art of 'people pleasing'

I’m currently sitting here in pain as the result of having a tooth pulled out from a cracked root canal, and all I can think about is what I had on the agenda for Monday’s work tasks - stock orders, new product forms, POS admin, tasks I left on the agenda from last week for today… why am I like this? Worrying when I shouldn’t be worrying? Sigh. I have a small hole near my back molar and yet all that is pulsating through my brain is that all of these tasks will pile up and I won’t have time to complete it all. It’s like I can foresee this internal Armageddon; the need to physically check off swiftly drawn squares to feel some sort of small high otherwise all hell will break loose if I don’t. I can’t seem to sit still. I’ve been like this since I was a teen in high school, I remember volunteering at a library and having to sort the books being returned through the after-hours slot, I found myself scanning and sorting through the spines with such speed that neighboring librarian assistants would look at me with a frown settling between their eyes. As each school day would bring new assignments, the anxiety would build- what would happen if I didn’t have all the resources? what would happen if I didn’t provide all the research to get those school credits? The option of failure just wasn’t an option.

Why wasn’t it though? Why couldn’t failing be ok? I think growing up in an asian household kind of answers that. My relatives came from Malaysia and so we were the only family here in NZ - at about 9pm, my parents would receive calls from my aunties/uncles boasting about their children’s incredible grades and achievements. It was instilled into me and my sister growing up that good grades would get you into uni and would get you a great job, so why would we not follow suit otherwise. We were taught to strive for the best, be the best and always try our hardest - what did this mean exactly? Meeting assignment deadlines, providing adequate research and getting the best grades possible - ahh, it was all or nothing. Fast-forward to today and I’m clearly feeling unwell, yet this unspeakable guilt still manages to rear it’s ugly head. I feel guilty for calling in sick sometimes. My mind not only automatically thinks of each task piling up, but also the people I work with that will have to take on extra tasks due to my very absence.

It’s that delightful theory right? If you call in sick to work or don’t do what you’re expected to, would the repercussions outweigh the achievements and the commitment? Would your job be there for you as you have equally been in the past? There’s something about the past that stays with me- it’s ability to support and yet hurt all at the same time. I had one of those Instagram adverts pop up on my phone today and it was an interview between a podcaster (can’t remember his name) and a writer- they were talking about the joys of work and how for a few hours each week the podcaster claimed he would walk away from his work to spend time with his kids. The writer commended this very act relishing in the human need to experience joy and happiness- emotions that would otherwise not be found in it’s true form with work. Watching this made me step back for a second to ask myself that very question - Is it all worth it?

Sometimes I think I’m a people-pleaser. It seems easier to agree with others or go with the majority of what people have agreed to doing than to go against the grain. I have instances where I see myself saying no but then looks of disappointment suffice. It’s easier to be the ‘yes’ person sometimes. At work I’m probably the opposite - I find myself saying no to more work that I know I can’t inherently handle/ take on, I say no to essentially more responsibility for fear that I won’t be able to successfully carry out my originally assigned job with the best of my abilities. It’s like I can foresee the failure before the opportunity.

Some mornings I pop in to grab a coffee from a little known coffee shop out west only to see that they have a copy of the ‘Coffee News’ on display - it’s a newsletter that’s been running for years and somehow I always felt that the horoscopes in every issue seemed to accurately portray my very emotions or situationship I found myself in. Every claim seemed to vindicate my actions. Lucky numbers both past and present made their claim to fame to provide judicial evidence to life’s decisions. They say that Virgo’s suffer from a love of perfectionism, yet these horoscopes seemed to provide confirmation that I wasn’t going insane looking for ‘signs’ - the signs were all playing out as the stars forsaw right?

Call me delulu or call me a Virgo.

Anyways, the toothache pain is at peak, it’s time for the hourly saltwater mouth rinse. Until next time lovelies.